Representatives from the Arkham Safety Commission held a press conference at Miskatonic University today, gently reminding all Arkham’s citizens to please stop failing Agility tests.

“I want to start by making it clear that the ASC is not here to police your actions, whether at home, around town, or even in another dimension,” said Jen Till, spokesperson for the Arkham Safety Commission. “However, with the recent expeditions to R’lyeh, the ASC cannot turn a blind eye to some of the frankly disappointing outcomes of Agility tests by our citizens which have been happening in the area.”

Jen Till then went on to list off some safety tips to pass Agility tests. “Some of you have Track Shoes and aren’t using them. Our message is simple: the ASC would encourage you to use them. Or you’ve dragged Peter Sylvestre with you to some horrible, unknown dimension or even in some absurd cases, France, and yet you are still failing Agility tests even there.”

“Our prestigious university’s sports teams are already failing with their star player gone. The least you can do as an engaged-with-enemies citizen is not also fail to escape from winged monstrosities.”

“Also Stella Clark, I can see you in the audience! This still applies to you, too. In fact, the ASC has a whole folder to give you later in person. We know you’ve been failing on purpose, and we are NOT happy about it!” Jen Till said.

The Arkham Safety Commission then presented what was called a “non-exhaustive overview of potential hazards facing serial Agility test failers”. This included:

  • Being grasped by hands coming out of the wall
  • Being eaten by the wall itself
  • Allies being kidnapped to become human sacrifice victims
  • Being kidnapped yourself and subsequently being thrown into a prison inside of a lighthouse
  • Being injured by flood waters in France
  • Being injured by flood waters outside of France
  • Getting bitten by snakes
  • Getting overrun by ants
  • Getting swarmed by bees
  • Getting hunted by byakhees
  • Activating hidden trap mechanisms
  • Being buried alive
  • Angering the dead
  • Terrible driving
  • Literally turning to stone
  • Falling through a sheet of ice
  • Being harmed by the fabric of space splintering all around you
  • Being accosted by members of a mysterious international cult
  • Summoning swarms of small Zoog monsters while locked in a dream world
  • Summoning a monstrous entity with some horrible name like “The Amalgam” or “The Inescapable”
  • And perhaps worst of all, being perceived while on the moon.

The Arkham Safety Commission would like to remind citizens that outcomes such as the ones outlined above are “unacceptable” and “can cause harm”.

“Investigators are encouraged to use all tools at their disposal, magical or otherwise, to prevent the failure of these harmful Agility tests,” Jen Till said. “And if you have 1 Agility like Leo or Norman, maybe you can just stop sneaking out of town to go explore the jungle. Thank you.”

At press time, an immediate follow up press conference by Ann Jurees and Big Damage urged all Arkham citizens to please disregard everything that was announced and that all citizens are free to fail as many Agility tests as they like all day, every day.