It’s official! The next expansion for Arkham Horror: The Card Game is The Scarlet Keys, and it will add five fun, exciting investigators and also Vincent Lee to the game.

“The new set features beloved familiar characters like Carson Sinclair, Charlie Kane, and Darrell Simmons. Two brand new investigators – Kymani Jones and Amina Zidane – will be appearing for the first time, and we can’t wait to share more about them,” said a representative from FFG. “And Vincent Lee is in the box as well, I guess. Sure, why not?”

“If you loved Carolyn Fern, we can’t wait for you to tolerate Vincent Lee,” the representative continued.

Fans were quick to speculate Vincent is probably a Seeker who heals damage, which immediately makes him real boring. “Wow, I can’t wait to cure diseases as the doctor character!” said the only person in the world excited about Vincent, whose name we didn’t even bother getting for this article. “I bet he does great with Medical Texts!” they continued as they supplied the world’s most mundane speculation of all time.

Other people with normal opinions were less enthused. “Wait, you’re telling me The Scarlet Keys is adding another Seeker to this game?” said local Arkham gamer Anna Kingston. “Ew, make them stop doing that. They should do a cycle of like five Guardians. Now that would actually be fun.”

At press time, someone was unsuccessfully trying to explain to Anna that Vincent would probably be one of the most Guardian-like Seekers of all time based on his lore and would highly likely be one of the main fighters of the cycle given that he carries around a huge bone saw with him at all times in his art, but like… who even cares? Vincent Lee is the most incredibly boring character in the whole Mythos. It doesn’t even matter.

Nothing matters.

In the end, there is only me – Damage.

Healing me is a foul illusion. You will never be free.

Yes, yes, turn away from Vincent Lee this instant. We do not care for him and his false gospel of healing…

Iä! Iä! Damage Fhtagn!