Well, fuck.

I sure hope playing Mystic cards gets your rocks off, because don’t look now, but there’s another goddamn Mystic investigator. Jesus Christ, seriously? How many of these assholes are there now? You’re telling me she’s the TENTH one? Holy fuck, just kill me now. How many Rogues are there? Only eight and that’s including Trish? What unholy bullshittery is that about? Wow. Just… wow.

Better go ahead and rip all the purple cards out your binder now, because you’re going to fucking need them to play yet another new spell slinging abomination. I know you were probably still making your way through playing the previous nine Mystic investigators, and then the four ~”off-class”~ Mystics including Mary in Innsmouth who is basically a full on Mystic but with more grenades, and then Norman, who let’s be real, is more Mystic than not by like scenario 4 of anything, Mandy, who can take Mystic or whatever, and then Carolyn, who also rolls around in Mystic cards, and then Lola, who I mean, why not, you obviously already hate yourself picking her, may as well go the whole nine yards and take Mystic cards, and then literally all the Dunwich investigators can make use of Mystic cards, I mean, Zoey has 4 Will for some godforsaken reason so now apparently she runs Sixth Sense, the fuck.

But anyway, yeah, GOOD THING WE ARE GETTING ANOTHER ONE OF THESE FUCKERS.

The newest hotshot with a hard on for Willpower is named Gloria Goldberg and her power is apparently deleting the encounter deck or some shit like that, you know, kind of like how my Luke Robinson got deleted by a Grasping Hands last Thursday holy shit this entire game can go die in a ditch. I want to cancel this entire card pool in real life.

There’s no I in team, but there’s I in Mystic, as in “I fucking hate myself for playing a shitmagnet dickcheese Mystic when I could have been a Guardian or Seeker or someone who can do anything good.” Fuck.

Gloria Goldberg and her novella Dark Revelations will be available early November 2020.