MY HOUSE – A new study has announced findings that Mystics suck real bad because one time I played them and I lost, something that never would have happened if I were a Guardian or a Seeker or you know a class that wasn’t trash.

The four Mystics in the game, Agnes, Jim, Akachi, and Mateo, seem to represent the worst of the worst the game has to offer in terms of investigator design after my expedition into the jungle went totally ass backwards and I got screwed over by all the doom I had stacked on my assets, like what the hell am I supposed to do with these, geez, this card pool is just horrific.

“What the hell, this piece of shit investigator can’t fight or investigate or do anything good, fuck!” said me, after two full turns in the godawful jungles of central America.

I also drew a skull token and had to take 1 horror during my Shriveling, well, guess this game just gets to fuck me sideways because I’m a piece of shit Mystic.

At press time, all the Mystic cards were being put back in the storage case so I could try again with Rex Murphy.