DUNWICH – Local Mystic Akachi Onyele was reportedly “excited” by the new Mystic card revealed in the latest FFG article, Flute of the Outer Gods, claiming it will be a “powerful boon to help fight back the darkness”, ignoring the obvious reality that she will literally never be able to play this card in Dunwich, like literally never ever.
“The detractors said I would never get enough curses in the bag to make it worthwhile,” said Akachi, completely misunderstanding the reason the so-called detractors think her plan for a Dunwich Flute deck is hot garbage. “But listen, I got my Tempt Fates, Promise of Power, and don’t tell, but I brought a little cheeky Tides of Fate to mess with Sister Mary,” Akachi added, as if flipping all of Mary’s bless tokens was going to solve the problem.
“Flute takes up a hand slot, so I can continue to use my Arcane slots as normal. How neat is that!” beamed Akachi, breezing over the fact that she has zero economy to even pay for a worthwhile Flute in the first place and that the only way she has been putting things into her Arcane slots has been with Uncage the Soul this whole time.
“I know it’s a fair amount of XP for Dunwich,” said Akachi, severely underselling the amount of XP Flute of the Outer Gods is for Dunwich. “However, that’s why I’m bringing Delve Too Deep,” she went on, pointing out two cards that are going to turn into painful dead draws as they will likely not both be replaced until after Essex County Express, which will likely be a team wipe because 1/15 of Akachi’s deck is going to be Delves, fuck, this plan is so bad. EIGHT XP, Akachi. EIGHT!!
“I also got these nifty Arcane Researches so I can at least get some XP cards while I wait to be able to buy my Flute,” said Akachi, taking two mental trauma, the same amount of mental trauma I took in real life thinking of what a bad idea Dunwich Flute Akachi is.
As of press time, Akachi’s Flute of the Outer Gods was discarded before she even got to draw it by pretty much anything in the Dunwich encounter deck.