Wow, this explains everything! A huge reveal was just announced as FFG finally unveiled that the Arkham Horror Reddit community was actually an extended teaser for a zero intellect investigator!
“If you’ve ever read the Arkham Horror Reddit community and thought to yourself ‘what is this dude even talking about?’ or ‘the card doesn’t say anything close to that!’, you’ll be relieved to know it was all by design,” said the statement from FFG. “The Arkham Horror Reddit community was merely a teaser to simulate what a zero intellect investigator would sound like. We are pleased to announce that the experiment was a smashing success and can now be concluded!”
“Originally, we were going to launch an investigator with negative intellect,” said one of the designers. “However, after two days of observing the Arkham Horror Reddit community, we realized that a lot of our players may not know what a negative number even is. I mean, a lot of players are just now learning zero is an even number, so we want to avoid pushing them too hard with the grade school math concepts here.”
The new investigator, named Reed Ditka, will feature a new mechanic where players can discard entire opinions, rule books, and basic reading comprehension in order to gain resources. These resources can then be spent to gain actions that can only be used on pointless bullshit that doesn’t help advance the Act in any conceivable fashion.
“Some of our players have been playing as Reed Ditka since the game launched and didn’t even know it,” said the press release from FFG. “That’s part of why we waited so long to make this announcement – you all looked like you were having so much fun dithering around! But now people who have never used Reddit and have maintained normal brain development as a result can have fun playing this investigator as well.”
At press time, a Reddit post asking how to resolve Reed Ditka’s setup was responded to with a comment saying “IDK just grim rule it”.